OK, read that again.

Sometimes, you have to live who you’re not to know who you are.

I had to listen to that about 5 times to write it down correctly but knew the first time I heard it that its true. For me anyway. This little nugget of wisdom came from Jada Pinkett and it’s a belter.

 I think I have strived to be someone else for so many, many, years. I’ve strived to be thinner because then my clothes will look better? I’ve wanted “that” hair cut because it’s cool or “those” boots so I fit in. Go on nights out so I don’t feel left out. Be so laid back I’m that I’m the friend you can’t be without. I’m your go to. I’ve driven myself mad trying to draw so perfectly for others to approve. Write without spelling mistakes. God forbid. spent too much time pleasing others. All the while constantly looking around figuring out what people are thinking of me. I’m on high alert. I’m fearful. Trying to get it right. Is that possible? I’m not sure I succeeded. The stakes are really high. Praying I don’t get found out and that I can pull off being someone else. The ultimate chameleon. If you’re blue baby, I’m cobalt, navy, denim, the sky and the bloody sea.

 None of the above have actually served me by the way. That is other than for me to realise actually, I don’t suit that hairstyle. Oh. The boots rub like hell and my legs don’t look the same as how I thought they would, as if they would miraculously work some sort of leg magic, especially around the ankle area. I’ve been thinner and I’ve been fatter. Either way I still didn’t like parts of my body big or small. I do know that living on fewer calories makes me sad because, well, I like Maltesers from a share bag. Plus, its far more enjoyable not to have have anxiety when eating out.

I still feel socially awkward when I do go out, so going doesn’t mean I’m missing out on anything but being myself. I just end up performing a caricature of myself which is exhausting and I just end up saying something I think is funny to someone who IS actually quite cool only to realise the room has gone silent as tumble weed blows through. Being a laid back mate doesn’t always work either. It just means I’m easy to cancel, postpone, move around, shift and become shafted if a better option comes along and that makes me sad, pissed off, a little resentful and bonus, its all of my own making. My fault, my friend.

But I would not have known any of this until I lived out who I am not, to know who I am. So, at least I’ve figured a few things out.

Me. Well, I like to feel comfortable in my clothes, I like trainers and coats. I actually do love boots though. That’s real. So, I have come to terms with the fact that most of the time, yes, they will rub but sod it, I’ll wear them anyway. I love locking the door when I don’t have to go back out. I like being safe in my home walking around in my husband’s clothes with zero makeup on and oversharing with my family. I love Maltesers in a big bag.

I like friends who know me so well I don’t need to pretend. Ones where I can turn up a bit scruffy, ones that see beyond the show and know me by heart. I love deep conversations and I know I’m a good listener but I will forget lots of what you’ve just said. I like helping people, I like making others feel special. I’m always interested in other peoples stories. I don’t like been taken for granted. I like to retreat to my cave when the world is too overwhelming and sometimes, for me, it just is.

I love clothes but realise now that no, I won’t always look good in them. I won’t always be able to afford what I really want either but that doesn’t make me unlovable . My figure will fluctuate but what I know now its up to me what I choose wear and not society. Which is hard right? After all I will be judged no matter what for all my choices in life not just clothes.

I don’t like being told something for it not to happen. Action speaks volumes to me about your character. Say you pick apples? Then I wanna see you pick apples. I like honesty no matter how bluntly its delivered. I like different opinions. I don’t like games or not knowing what someone thinks. I will walk away from this and eggshells now. I don’t like guessing. I hate reading between the lines.

I love holidays, the world and when possible I love to explore as much as I can. I like travelling alone, with family and really good friends. I like new experiences even though they scare me shitless. I like writing and creating art. Yes, I feel incredibly uncomfortable admitting this creative side of me but I am. I’m a bloody creative.

I like my view on the world. I like the bigger picture and feel I have a good panoramic view. I love nature, walking, the beauty of the sun, the moon and I find happiness watching my dog run off the lead. I like getting cold and muddy and long hot baths. I love cups of tea, reading, ice cold coke zero and making my body strong. I like cocktails, chatter and people with a wicked sense of humour for a night out but like to be home by midnight. I like my own bed and I only fully relax in my, my husbands and son’s company. I love crying at films, true stories and podcasts. I love dancing in my kitchen while reminiscing to songs that have narrated my whole life and singing my heart out to Alexa when I know no one is around, not even the neighbours.

I like calm. I like quiet and I think, well I wonder, if after all this time I do like who I am. After so long of living who I’m not, I realise even though it can feel really uncomfortable even now at the ripe old age of forty three, I’m most comfortable being myself.

Sometimes, you have to live who you’re not to know who you are.